This page contains jokes, quotations, and pictures that you may find of interest or entertaining.

“Luck is when preparation meets opportunity.”

Seneca (Roman philosopher)

“Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.”

Benjamin Franklin

A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take away everything you have.

Former President Gerald Ford

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Speech given by US President Theodore Roosevelt at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910.

It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial. It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.

Father Denis Edward O’Brien, USMC

“How long does it take you to prepare one of your speeches?” asked a friend of President Wilson not long ago.

“That depends on the length of the speech,” answered the President. “If it is a ten-minute speech it takes me all of two weeks to prepare it; if it is a half-hour speech it takes me a week; if I can talk as long as I want to it requires no preparation at all. I am ready now.”

1918 April, The Operative Miller, Volume 23, Number 4, (Short freestanding item), Quote Page 130, Column 1, Operative Miller Press, Chicago, Illinois. (Google Books Full View)
From The Quote Investigator.

“…War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: the decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks nothing worth a war, is worse. When a people are used as mere human instruments for firing cannon or thrusting bayonets, in the service and for the selfish purposes of a master, such war degrades a people. A war to protect other human beings against tyrannical injustice; a war to give victory to their own ideas of right and good, and which is their own war, carried on for an honest purpose by their free choice–is often the means of their regeneration. A man who has nothing which he is willing to fight for, nothing which he cares more about than he does about his personal safety, is a miserable creature, who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. As long as justice and injustice have not terminated their ever renewing fight for ascendancy in the affairs of mankind, human beings must be willing, when need is, to do battle for the one against the other….”

John Stuart Mill, The Contest in America, vol. 1, p.26 (1868)

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Mark Twain

This is a very good,
non-partisan video
about the national debt.

All that is necessary

for the triumph of evil

is for good men to do nothing.

— Edmund Burke

A POEM WORTH READING
(Author Unknown)

He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And ‘tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew whereof he spoke.

But we’ll hear his tales no longer,
For old Bob has passed away,
And the world’s a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He wont be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won’t note his passing,
‘Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Someone who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician’s stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier —
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end?

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier’s part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he’s here to hear the praise,
Then at least let’s give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
“OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY.”

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.

John Adams

Are you a liberal or a conservative?

If you have ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!
  • If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
  • If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
  • If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
  • If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
  • If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced – unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!
  • If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his health care.
It always makes me angry when I hear “celebrities” sing The Star Spangled Banner like a lounge singer or butcher it in some other way.  My wife has often heard me mutter, “Just sing it the way it’s written!”.   Here is something someone sent me that I couldn’t have said better myself:

Written by Mark Corallo, the owner of Corallo Media Strategies, Inc, an Alexandria, Virginia Public Relations firm:

So, with all the kindness I can muster, I give this one piece of advice to the next pop star who is asked to sing the national anthem at a sporting event: save the vocal gymnastics and the physical gyrations for your concerts.  Just sing this song the way you were taught to sing it in kindergarten — straight up, no styling.  Sing it with the constant awareness that there are Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines watching you from bases and outposts all over the world.

Don’t make them cringe with your self-centered ego gratification.  Sing it as if you are standing before a row of 86-year-old WWII vets wearing their Purple Hearts, Silver Stars, and flag pins on their cardigans, and you want them to be proud of you for honoring them and the country they love — not because you want them to think you are a superstar musician.  They could see that from the costumes, the makeup, and the entourages.  Sing “The Star Spangled Banner” with the courtesy and humility that tells the audience that it is about America, not you.

An apparent Drunken Cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh Amarillo Theater.

When the Usher came by and noticed him, he whispered to the Cowboy, “Sorry, Sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”  The Cowboy just groaned but didn’t even budge.  The Usher became more impatient and insistent: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there, I’m going to have to call the manager.”  Once again, the cowboy just groaned.

The Usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but without success.  He just laid there in a dazed stupor.  Finally, they had enough and summoned the police.

A Texas Ranger arrived, surveyed the situation briefly, then asked, “Alright buddy what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the Cowboy moaned.
“Where ya’ from, Sam?” asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice,a grim expression and without moving a muscle, Sam said, “The Balcony.”

A dose of reality for our kids:

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem.  The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.  You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.  Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes; learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now.  They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were.  So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT.  In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.  This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.  You don’t get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.  Do that on YOUR own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.  In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds.  Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

~~ From the book “Dumbing Down our Kids” by educator Charles Sykes.

The Music Stopped

(For those who are unaware: At all military base theaters, the National Anthem is played before the movie begins.)

This is written from a Chaplain in Iraq :

I recently attended a showing of ‘Superman 3’ here at LSA Anaconda.  We have a large auditorium we use for movies, as well as memorial services and other large gatherings.

As is the custom at all military bases, we stood to attention when the National Anthem began before the main feature.  All was going well until three-quarters of the way through the National Anthem, the music stopped.

Now, what would happen if this occurred with 1,000 18-22 year-olds back in the States?  I imagine there would be hoots, catcalls, laughter, a few rude comments, and everyone would sit down and yell for the movie to begin.  Of course, that is, if they had stood for the National Anthem in the first place.

Here in Iraq, 1,000 Soldiers continued to stand at attention, eyes fixed forward.  The music started again and the Soldiers continued to quietly stand at attention.  But again, at the same point, the music stopped.  What would you expect 1000 Soldiers standing at attention to do?  Frankly, I expected some laughter, and everyone would eventually sit down and wait for the movie to start.  But, no!!…  You could have heard a pin drop, while every Soldier continued to stand at attention.  Suddenly, there was a lone voice from the front of the auditorium, then a dozen voices, and soon the room was filled with the voices of a thousand soldiers, finishing where the recording left off: “And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.  Oh, say does that Star Spangled Banner yet wave, o’er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.”

It was the most inspiring moment I have had in Iraq , and I wanted you to know what kind of Soldiers are serving you.  Remember them as they fight for us!

Pass this along as a reminder to others to be ever in prayer for all our soldiers serving us here at home and abroad.  Many have already paid the ultimate price.

Written by Chaplain Jim Higgins LSA Anaconda Ballad Airport north of Baghdad, Iraq.

What Have We Learned in Two Millennia?

“The budget should be balanced, the treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.”

~~ Cicero — 55 BC

In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin.  But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American…
There can be no divided allegiance here.  Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all.  We have room for but one flag, the American flag…
We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language…
and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.

~~ Theodore Roosevelt

You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the rich out of freedom.  What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.  The government cannot give to anybody anything the government does not first take from somebody else.  When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend is about the end of any nation.  You cannot multiply the wealth by dividing it.

A veteran – whether active duty, retired, national guard, or reserve – is someone who, at one point in his or her life, wrote a blank check made payable to The ‘United States of America’, for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.’ — Charles W. Lauble Jr.

On Tactics vs. Logistics

“Amateurs talk about tactics, but professionals study logistics.”

— Gen. Robert H. Barrow, USMC (Commandant of the Marine Corps) noted in 1980

Paraprosdokians are a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Where there’s a will, there’s relatives.

Quotes Attributed to Larry the Cable Guy

  • A day without sunshine is like night.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  • He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
  • Support bacteria.  They’re the only culture most people have.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  • How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?  Raise my hand.
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
  • How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death — twice?
  • Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’
  • Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
  • Light travels faster than sound.  That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.  It’s more like a jar of jalapeños.  What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Firearms Refresher Course

  1. “Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.” — Thomas Jefferson
  2. “Those how trade liberty for security will have neither.” — John Adams
  3. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
  4. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
  5. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
  6. Gun control is not about guns; it’s about control.
  7. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
  8. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
  9. You don’t shoot to kill. You shoot to stay alive.
  10. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
  11. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
  12. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All rights reserved.
  13. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
  14. What part of “shall not be infringed” do you NOT understand?
  15. Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.
  16. When you remove the people’s right to bear arms, you create slaves.
  17. The American Revolution would never have occurred with gun control. (In fact, it began when the British tried to take our guns away.)

Thomas Jefferson on Banks

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.  If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

~~ Thomas Jefferson

United States and Socialism

Norman Mattoon Thomas (20 Nov 1884 – 19 Dec 1968) was a leading American socialist, pacifist, and six-time presidential candidate for the Socialist Party of America.  In a 1944 speech, the Socialist Party candidate for president said, “The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism.  But, under the name of ‘liberalism’, they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened.”  He went on to say, “I no longer need to run as a presidential candidate for the Socialist Party.  The Democrat Party has adopted our platform.“

Geeky Jokes

  • A policeman pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, “Mister, do you know how fast you were going?”  He responds, “No, but I know EXACTLY where I am.”
  • Declining an offer for a second cup of coffee, Renee Descarters said “I think not.”  He disappears!
  • /* Halley */ — Halley’s Comment.
  • Two atoms are walking down the street together, when the first atom says, “Hey, I think I lost an electron.”  The second atom asks, “Are you sure?”   “Yep,” replies the first atom, “I’m positive.”

Father & Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.  Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed.  Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.  He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew.  She didn’t even have time for a boyfriend, and didn’t really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”  She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by.  All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA.  She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast.  She’s always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn’t even show up for classes because she’s too hung over.”

Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don’t you go to the Dean’s office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0.  That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.”

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father’s suggestion, angrily fired back, “That’s a crazy idea, how would that be fair?!  I’ve worked really hard for my grades!  I’ve invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work!  Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.  She played while I worked my tail off!”

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the conservative side of the fence.”

What is that arch made of?!?

Nagasaki, 1945, after the atomic bomb.

Nagasaki, 2011, following the earthquake and tsunami.

The Poem of It
Written by John Bice and me, ca. 1979

It is that which exists;
therefore, that which does not exist,
is not it.
The two combined suggestions propose a thought.

You are you, and I am me.
Together we are us.
When in doubt be doubtful.
When you must you have to.

Life is not death
Death is not life.
You play the drum,
and I’ll play the fife.

Of Wikileaks, Gov. Mike Huckabee said, “If we want to keep our nation’s secrets ‘SECRET’, store them where President Obama stores his college transcripts and birth certificate.”

Quotes from Thomas Jefferson

  • When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.
  • The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
  • It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes.  A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.
  • I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.
  • My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.
  • No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.
  • The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.
  • The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
  • To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:  I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property – until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.

The Washington Post Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
  1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
  2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
  3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
  4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
  5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
  6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
  7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
  8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
  9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
  10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
  11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
  12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
  13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
  14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
  15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
  16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
  17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
  3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
  6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
  7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
  14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
  15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Crockett to Congress: It’s not your money to give!*

One day in the House of Representatives a bill was taken up appropriating money for the benefit of a widow of a distinguished naval officer.  Several beautiful speeches had been made in its support.  The speaker was just about to put the question when Crockett arose:

“Mr. Speaker—I have as much respect for the memory of the deceased, and as much sympathy for the suffering of the living, if there be, as any man in this House, but we must not permit our respect for the dead or our sympathy for part of the living to lead us into an act of injustice to the balance of the living.  I will not go into an argument to prove that Congress has not the power to appropriate this money as an act of charity.  Every member on this floor knows it.

We have the right as individuals, to give away as much of our own money as we please in charity; but as members of Congress we have no right to appropriate a dollar of the public money.  Some eloquent appeals have been made to us upon the ground that it is a debt due the deceased.  Mr. Speaker, the deceased lived long after the close of the war; he was in office to the day of his death, and I never heard that the government was in arrears to him.

Every man in this House knows it is not a debt.  We cannot without the grossest corruption, appropriate this money as the payment of a debt.  We have not the semblance of authority to appropriate it as charity. Mr. Speaker, I have said we have the right to give as much money of our own as we please. I am the poorest man on this floor. I cannot vote for this bill, but I will give one week’s pay to the object, and if every member of Congress will do the same, it will amount to more than the bill asks.”

He took his seat. Nobody replied. The bill was put upon its passage, and, instead of passing unanimously, as was generally supposed, and as, no doubt, it would, but for that speech, it received but few votes, and, of course, was lost.

  • I don’t know if Davy Crocket actually said these things; however, the fundamental truth about Congress, the constitution, and reckless spending is worth repeating and internalizing.

Later, when asked by a friend why he had opposed the appropriation, Crockett gave this explanation:

Several years ago I was one evening standing on the steps of the Capitol with some members of Congress, when our attention was attracted by a great light over in Georgetown.  It was evidently a large fire.  We jumped into a hack and drove over as fast as we could.  In spite of all that could be done, many houses were burned and many families made houseless, and besides, some of them had lost all but the clothes they had on.  The weather was very cold, and when I saw so many children suffering, I felt that something ought to be done for them.  The next morning a bill was introduced appropriating $20,000 for their relief.  We put aside all other business and rushed it through as soon as it could be done.

The next summer, when it began to be time to think about election, I concluded I would take a scout around among the boys of my district.  I had no opposition there but, as the election was some time off, I did not know what might turn up.  When riding one day in a part of my district in which I was more of a stranger than any other, I saw a man in a field plowing and coming toward the road.  I gauged my gait so that we should meet as he came up, I spoke to the man. He replied politely, but as I thought, rather coldly.

I began: “Well friend, I am one of those unfortunate beings called candidates and …”

“Yes I know you; you are Colonel Crockett.  I have seen you once before, and voted for you the last time you were elected.  I suppose you are out electioneering now, but you had better not waste your time or mine, I shall not vote for you again.”

This was a sockdolger…I begged him tell me what was the matter.

“Well Colonel, it is hardly worthwhile to waste time or words upon it.  I do not see how it can be mended, but you gave a vote last winter which shows that either you have not capacity to understand the Constitution, or that you are wanting in the honesty and firmness to be guided by it.  In either case you are not the man to represent me.  But I beg your pardon for expressing it that way.  I did not intend to avail myself of the privilege of the constituent to speak plainly to a candidate for the purpose of insulting you or wounding you.

I intend by it only to say that your understanding of the constitution is very different from mine; and I will say to you what but for my rudeness, I should not have said, that I believe you to be honest.

But an understanding of the constitution different from mine I cannot overlook, because the Constitution, to be worth anything, must be held sacred, and rigidly observed in all its provisions.  The man who wields power and misinterprets it is the more dangerous the more honest he is.

I admit the truth of all you say, but there must be some mistake.  Though I live in the backwoods and seldom go far from home, I take the papers from Washington and read very carefully all the proceedings of Congress.  My papers say you voted for a bill to appropriate $20,000 to some sufferers by fire in Georgetown.  Is that true?”

Well my friend; I may as well own up.  You have got me there.  But certainly nobody will complain that a great and rich country like ours should give the insignificant sum of $20,000 to relieve its suffering women and children, particularly with a full and overflowing treasury, and I am sure, if you had been there, you would have done just the same as I did.

“It is not the amount, Colonel, that I complain of; it is the principle.  In the first place, the government ought to have in the Treasury no more than enough for its legitimate purposes.  But that has nothing to do with the question.  The power of collecting and disbursing money at pleasure is the most dangerous power that can be entrusted to man, particularly under our system of collecting revenue by a tariff, which reaches every man in the country, no matter how poor he may be, and the poorer he is the more he pays in proportion to his means.

What is worse, it presses upon him without his knowledge where the weight centers, for there is not a man in the United States who can ever guess how much he pays to the government.  So you see, that while you are contributing to relieve one, you are drawing it from thousands who are even worse off than he.

If you had the right to give anything, the amount was simply a matter of discretion with you, and you had as much right to give $20,000,000 as $20,000.  If you have the right to give at all; and as the Constitution neither defines charity nor stipulates the amount, you are at liberty to give to any and everything which you may believe, or profess to believe, is a charity and to any amount you may think proper.  You will very easily perceive what a wide door this would open for fraud and corruption and favoritism, on the one hand, and for robbing the people on the other.  No, Colonel, Congress has no right to give charity.

Individual members may give as much of their own money as they please, but they have no right to touch a dollar of the public money for that purpose.  If twice as many houses had been burned in this country as in Georgetown, neither you nor any other member of Congress would have thought of appropriating a dollar for our relief.  There are about two hundred and forty members of Congress.  If they had shown their sympathy for the sufferers by contributing each one week’s pay, it would have made over $13,000.  There are plenty of wealthy men around Washington who could have given $20,000 without depriving themselves of even a luxury of life.

The congressmen chose to keep their own money, which, if reports be true, some of them spend not very creditably; and the people about Washington, no doubt, applauded you for relieving them from necessity of giving what was not yours to give.  The people have delegated to Congress, by the Constitution, the power to do certain things.  To do these, it is authorized to collect and pay moneys, and for nothing else.

Everything beyond this is usurpation, and a violation of the Constitution.

So you see, Colonel, you have violated the Constitution in what I consider a vital point.  It is a precedent fraught with danger to the country, for when Congress once begins to stretch its power beyond the limits of the Constitution, there is no limit to it, and no security for the people.  I have no doubt you acted honestly, but that does not make it any better, except as far as you are personally concerned, and you see that I cannot vote for you.”

I tell you I felt streaked.  I saw if I should have opposition, and this man should go to talking and in that district I was a gone fawn-skin.  I could not answer him, and the fact is, I was so fully convinced that he was right, I did not want to.  But I must satisfy him, and I said to him: “Well, my friend, you hit the nail upon the head when you said I had not sense enough to understand the Constitution.  I intended to be guided by it, and thought I had studied it fully.  I have heard many speeches in Congress about the powers of Congress, but what you have said here at your plow has got more hard, sound sense in it than all the fine speeches I ever heard.  If I had ever taken the view of it that you have, I would have put my head into the fire before I would have given that vote; and if you will forgive me and vote for me again, if I ever vote for another unconstitutional law I wish I may be shot.”

He laughingly replied; “Yes, Colonel, you have sworn to that once before, but I will trust you again upon one condition.  You are convinced that your vote was wrong.  Your acknowledgment of it will do more good than beating you for it.  If, as you go around the district, you will tell people about this vote, and that you are satisfied it was wrong, I will not only vote for you, but will do what I can to keep down opposition, and perhaps, I may exert some little influence in that way.”

“If I don’t,” said I, “I wish I may be shot; and to convince you that I am in earnest in what I say I will come back this way in a week or ten days, and if you will get up a gathering of people, I will make a speech to them.  Get up a barbecue, and I will pay for it.”

“No, Colonel, we are not rich people in this section but we have plenty of provisions to contribute for a barbecue, and some to spare for those who have none.  The push of crops will be over in a few days, and we can then afford a day for a barbecue.  This Thursday; I will see to getting it up on Saturday week.  Come to my house on Friday, and we will go together, and I promise you a very respectable crowd to see and hear you.”

“Well I will be here.  But one thing more before I say good-bye. I must know your name.”
“My name is Bunce.”
“Not Horatio Bunce?”
“Yes.”

“Mr. Bunce, I never saw you before, though you say you have seen me, but I know you very well. I am glad I have met you, and very proud that I may hope to have you for my friend.”

It was one of the luckiest hits of my life that I met him.  He mingled but little with the public, but was widely known for his remarkable intelligence, and for a heart brim-full and running over with kindness and benevolence, which showed themselves not only in words but in acts. He was the oracle of the whole country around him, and his fame had extended far beyond the circle of his immediate acquaintance.  Though I had never met him, before, I had heard much of him, and but for this meeting it is very likely I should have had opposition, and had been beaten.  One thing is very certain, no man could now stand up in that district under such a vote.

At the appointed time I was at his house, having told our conversation to every crowd I had met, and to every man I stayed all night with, and I found that it gave the people an interest and confidence in me stronger than I had ever seen manifested before.

Though I was considerably fatigued when I reached his house, and, under ordinary circumstances, should have gone early to bed, I kept him up until midnight talking about the principles and affairs of government, and got more real, true knowledge of them than I had got all my life before.

I have known and seen much of him since, for I respect him – no, that is not the word – I reverence and love him more than any living man, and I go to see him two or three times every year; and I will tell you, sir, if everyone who professes to be a Christian lived and acted and enjoyed it as he does, the religion of Christ would take the world by storm.

But to return to my story.  The next morning we went to the barbecue and, to my surprise, found about a thousand men there.  I met a good many whom I had not known before, and they and my friend introduced me around until I had got pretty well acquainted – at least, they all knew me.

In due time notice was given that I would speak to them.  They gathered up around a stand that had been erected.  I opened my speech by saying:  “Fellow-citizens – I present myself before you today feeling like a new man.  My eyes have lately been opened to truths which ignorance or prejudice or both, had heretofore hidden from my view.  I feel that I can today offer you the ability to render you more valuable service than I have ever been able to render before.  I am here today more for the purpose of acknowledging my error than to seek your votes.  That I should make this acknowledgment is due to myself as well as to you.  Whether you will vote for me is a matter for your consideration only.”

I went on to tell them about the fire and my vote for the appropriation and then told them why I was satisfied it was wrong.  I closed by saying:  “And now, fellow-citizens, it remains only for me to tell you that the most of the speech you have listened to with so much interest was simply a repetition of the arguments by which your neighbor, Mr. Bunce, convinced me of my error.

It is the best speech I ever made in my life, but he is entitled to the credit for it.  And now I hope he is satisfied with his convert and that he will get up here and tell you so.”

He came up to the stand and said:  “Fellow-citizens – it affords me great pleasure to comply with the request of Colonel Crockett.  I have always considered him a thoroughly honest man, and I am satisfied that he will faithfully perform all that he has promised you today.”

He went down, and there went up from that crowd such a shout for Davy Crockett as his name never called forth before.

I am not much given to tears, but I was taken with a choking then and felt some big drops rolling down my cheeks.  And I tell you now that the remembrance of those few words spoken by such a man, and the honest, hearty shout they produced, is worth more to me than all the honors I have received and all the reputation I have ever made, or ever shall make, as a member of Congress.

“Now, sir,” concluded Crockett, “you know why I made that speech yesterday.  There is one thing which I will call your attention, you remember that I proposed to give a week’s pay.  There are in that House many very wealthy men – men who think nothing of spending a week’s pay, or a dozen of them, for a dinner or a wine party when they have something to accomplish by it.  Some of those same men made beautiful speeches upon the great debt of gratitude which the country owed the deceased – a debt which could not be paid by money – and the insignificance and worthlessness of money, particularly so insignificant a sum as $20,000 when weighed against the honor of the nation.  Yet not one of them responded to my proposition.  Money with them is nothing but trash when it is to come out of the people.  But it is the one great thing for which most of them are striving, and many of them sacrifice honor, integrity, and justice to obtain it.”

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most requested column I’ve ever written.  My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

  1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
  2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
  3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
  4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.  Your friends and parents will.  Stay in touch.
  5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
  6. You don’t have to win every argument.  Agree to disagree.
  7. Cry with someone.  It’s more healing than crying alone.
  8. It’s OK to get angry with God.  He can take it.
  9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
  10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
  11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
  12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
  13. Don’t compare your life to others.  You have no idea what their journey is all about.
  14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
  15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.  But don’t worry; God never blinks.
  16. Take a deep breath.  It calms the mind.
  17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
  18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
  19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.  But the second one is up to you and no one else.
  20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
  21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don’t save it for a special occasion.  Today is special.
  22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
  23. Be eccentric now.  Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
  24. The most important vital organ is the brain.
  25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
  26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
  27. Always choose life.
  28. Forgive everyone everything.
  29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
  30. Time heals almost everything.  Give time time.
  31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
  32. Don’t take yourself so seriously.  No one else does.
  33. Believe in miracles.
  34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
  35. Don’t audit life.  Show up and make the most of it now.
  36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
  37. Your children get only one childhood.
  38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
  39. Get outside every day.  Miracles are waiting everywhere.
  40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
  41. Envy is a waste of time.  You already have all you need.
  42. The best is yet to come…
  43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
  44. Yield.
  45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”

In Honor of Fallen Patriots

They Gave Their Fortunes and Lives for Our Liberty

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:12-14

Memorial Day was first observed as Decoration Day to commemorate those who died in the War Between the States. It is a day set aside in deference to American Patriots who pledged and delivered their lives to Support and Defend the Rule of Law enshrined in our Constitution.

Since our nation’s founding, more than one million American Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines and Coast Guardsmen have paid the ultimate price in defense of our nation, and it is their final sacrifice that we honor with solemn reverence.

Our Founders clearly understood that the burden of sustaining Liberty would be calculated in human sacrifice. As John Adams noted, “I am well aware of the toil and blood and treasure that it will cost to maintain this Declaration, and support and defend these States.” So, on this last Monday in May, millions of American Patriots will honor the service and sacrifice of these uniformed Patriots by participating in respectful commemorations across the nation.

Who were these brave souls?

On 12 May 1962, Gen. Douglas MacArthur addressed the cadets at the U.S. Military Academy, offering this description: “Their story is known to all of you. It is the story of the American man at arms. My estimate of him was formed on the battlefields many, many years ago and has never changed. I regarded him then, as I regard him now, as one of the world’s noblest figures — not only as one of the finest military characters, but also as one of the most stainless. His name and fame are the birthright of every American citizen. In his youth and strength, his love and loyalty, he gave all that mortality can give. He needs no eulogy from me, or from any other man. He has written his own history and written it in red on his enemy’s breast.”

Gen. MacArthur continued: “In twenty campaigns, on a hundred battlefields, around a thousand campfires, I have witnessed that enduring fortitude, that patriotic self-abnegation and that invincible determination which have carved his statue in the hearts of his people. From one end of the world to the other, he has drained deep the chalice of courage. As I listened to those songs in memory’s eye, I could see those staggering columns of the First World War, bending under soggy packs on many a weary march, from dripping dusk to drizzling dawn, slogging ankle deep through mire of shell-pocked roads; to form grimly for the attack, blue-lipped, covered with sludge and mud, chilled by the wind and rain, driving home to their objective, and for many, to the judgment seat of God. I do not know the dignity of their birth, but I do know the glory of their death. They died unquestioning, uncomplaining, with faith in their hearts, and on their lips the hope that we would go on to victory. Always for them: duty, honor, country. Always their blood, and sweat, and tears, as they saw the way and the light.”

In the current era, too many of our countrymen have no understanding of, or appreciation for duty, honor, and country. They are swooned by media outlets luring them to Memorial Day “sales” that glorify the commercial exploitation now attendant to every national day of recognition. Indeed, while divisions of America’s Armed Forces around the world are standing in harm’s way against formidable Jihadi adversaries, many Americans will be too preoccupied with beer, barbecue and baseball to pause and recognize the priceless burden borne by generations of uniformed Patriots, that they may be so preoccupied.

To a great extent, Memorial Day has been sold out, and no more so than by politicians who use the occasion to feign Patriotism for a day (or a moment) while in reality, they are in constant violation of their sacred oaths to our Constitution.

In the last few weeks, I have observed the current commander in chief of our Armed Forces as he has converted Osama’s Termination into political fodder for his 2012 campaign. For a man who has shown so much contempt for our uniformed Patriots, he has wasted no time taking credit for their successes.

Is he fit for command?

Unlike political advancement, which in most cases is attained by duplicity and deception, moving up the ranks in our Armed Services is based largely on performance evaluations. Each service branch has its own assessment forms for officers and NCOs. The Army has Officer Evaluation Reports, the Air Force has Officer Performance Reports, and the Navy and Marine Corps have Fitness Reports (FITREPs), all in order to evaluate proficiency and character as prerequisites for advancement.

The Army evaluates loyalty, duty, respect, selfless service, honor, integrity and personal courage. Let there be no doubt that if the current CINC were subject to the same appraisal as an Army or Marine Corps E-5 (sergeant), he would be judged severely under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Indeed, he would likely be court-martialed for dereliction of duty and dishonorably discharged. No CINC in our nation’s history has been less fit to serve in that capacity than Barack Hussein Obama.

Obama’s malfeasance notwithstanding, there is still great promise for Liberty and the security of that promise resides, first and foremost, within the ranks of our uniformed Patriots, our countrymen who have volunteered years of their young lives and have publicly declared their dedication to the ideals of Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. It is fitting therefore that we honor their service accordingly.

On Memorial Day of 1982, President Ronald Reagan offered these words in honor of Patriots interred at Arlington National Cemetery: “I have no illusions about what little I can add now to the silent testimony of those who gave their lives willingly for their country. Words are even more feeble on this Memorial Day, for the sight before us is that of a strong and good nation that stands in silence and remembers those who were loved and who, in return, loved their countrymen enough to die for them. Yet, we must try to honor them not for their sake’s alone, but for our own. And if words cannot repay the debt we owe these men, surely with our actions we must strive to keep faith with them and with the vision that led them to battle and to final sacrifice.”

He continued, “Our first obligation to them and ourselves is plain enough: The United States and the freedom for which it stands, the freedom for which they died, must endure and prosper. Their lives remind us that freedom is not bought cheaply. It has a cost; it imposes a burden. And just as they whom we commemorate were willing to sacrifice, so too must we — in a less final, less heroic way — be willing to give of ourselves. It is this, beyond the controversy and the congressional debate, beyond the blizzard of budget numbers and the complexity of modern weapons systems, that motivates us in our search for security and peace. … The willingness of some to give their lives so that others might live never fails to evoke in us a sense of wonder and mystery. One gets that feeling here on this hallowed ground, and I have known that same poignant feeling as I looked out across the rows of white crosses and Stars of David in Europe, in the Philippines, and the military cemeteries here in our own land. Each one marks the resting place of an American hero and, in my lifetime, the heroes of World War I, the Doughboys, the GI’s of World War II or Korea or Vietnam. They span several generations of young Americans, all different and yet all alike, like the markers above their resting places, all alike in a truly meaningful way.”

President Reagan concluded, “As we honor their memory today, let us pledge that their lives, their sacrifices, their valor shall be justified and remembered for as long as God gives life to this nation. … I can’t claim to know the words of all the national anthems in the world, but I don’t know of any other that ends with a question and a challenge as ours does: ‘O! say does that star-spangled banner yet wave, O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?’ That is what we must all ask.”

Indeed we must.

For the fallen, we are certain of that which is noted on all Marine Corps Honorable Discharge orders: “Fideli Certa Merces” — to the faithful there is certain reward.

To the beneficiaries of the legacy of Liberty that they defended with their lives, I humbly ask that each of you observe Memorial Day with reverence.

You can help to prepare for Memorial Day by placing flags at headstones in your local military cemetery (generally the Saturday prior to Memorial Day). Take a moment and read about the Tomb of the Unknowns. In honor of American Patriots who have died in defense of our great nation, lower your flag to half-staff from sunrise to 1200 on Monday. (Read more about proper etiquette and protocol.) Join us by setting aside a time of silence for remembrance and prayer. Offer a personal word of gratitude and comfort to surviving family members you know who are grieving for a beloved warrior fallen in battle.

On this and every day, please pray for our Patriot Armed Forces now standing in harm’s way around the world in defense of our Liberty, and for the families awaiting their safe return.

Semper Vigilo, Fortis, Paratus et Fidelis! Mark Alexander Publisher, The Patriot Post

As someone who thinks that the 4th Indiana Jones movie and Star Wars CRAPisodes I – III were abominations, I found this very, very funny.   This is the only plausible explanation I’ve seen for why George Lucas seems bent on destroying his own franchises.

Insults that Stand the Test of Time

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” 
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” -Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” -Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” -Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” -Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” -Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

Laws for Glass Half Empty People

  1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
  2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
  5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  7. Law of the  Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
  9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
  10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance… The aisle people also are very surly folk.
  12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
  14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
  15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
  17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking –  A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
  20. Buck’s Law of Wargaming — The first time you use a new unit in a game after spending hours painting it, that unit will get spanked.
  21. Buck’s Law of Music — As soon as I start buying a group’s albums, they’ll break up (e.g., Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles, Abba, 10,000 Maniacs, etc.)

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
–Author Unknown

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
–Drew Carey

“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
–Jeff Foxworthy

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
–Dave Barry

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.'”
–Paula Poundstone

“I think that’s how Chicago got started.  Bunch of  people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough.  Let’s go west.'”
–Richard Jeni

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
–Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
–Paul Rodriguez

“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
–Jerry Seinfeld

“Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?”
–Warren Hutcherson

“Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.”
–Oscar Wilde

“Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress…But I repeat myself.”
–Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At least they can find Afghanistan.”
–A. Whitney Brown

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right!   I never would’ve thought of that!'”
–Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it “PMS”?  Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
–Unknown, presumed dead

Standing Order of Rogers Ranger:

  1. Don’t forget nothing.
  2. Have your musket clean as a whistle, hatchet scoured, 60 rounds powder and ball and be ready to march at a minute’s warning.
  3. When you’re on the march, act the way you would if you was sneaking up on a deer. See the enemy first.
  4. Tell the truth about what you see and what you do. There is an army depending on us for correct information. You can lie all you please when you tell other folks about the Rangers, but don’t never lie to a Ranger or officer.
  5. Don’t never take a chance you don’t have to.
  6. When we’re on the march, we march single file, far enough apart so one shot can’t go through two men.
  7. If we strike swamps or soft ground, we spread out abreast, so it’s hard to track us.
  8. When we march, we keep moving till dark, so as to give the enemy the least possible chance at us.
  9. When we camp, half the party stays awake while the other half sleeps.
  10. If we take prisoners, we keep ’em separate till we have had time to examine them, so they can’t cook up a story between ’em.
  11. Don’t ever march home the same way. Take a different route so you won’t be ambushed.
  12. No matter whether we travel in big parties or little ones, each party has to keep a scout 20 yards ahead, 20 yards on each flank and 20 yards in the rear, so the main body can’t be surprised and wiped out.
  13. Every night you’ll be told where to meet if surrounded by a superior force.
  14. Don’t sit down to eat without posting sentries.
  15. Don’t sleep beyond dawn. Dawn’s when the French and Indians attack.
  16. Don’t cross a river by a regular ford.
  17. If somebody’s trailing you, make a circle, come back onto your own tracks, and ambush the folks that aim to ambush you.
  18. Don’t stand up when the enemy’s coming against you. Kneel down, lie down, hide behind a tree.
  19. Let the enemy come till he’s almost close enough to touch. Then let him have it and jump out and finish him with your hatchet.